Having a bit of an honesty hour – Something I’ve struggled with since I can remember (other then anxiety) has to be my weight, I’ll admit at times it’s also my weight that triggers my anxiety & vice versa. So today I decided I’d share another personal post & chat a little about my weight.
Being a girl can be tough, especially as you grow up & the topic of weight comes often in conversation – between friends, family etc. Well since I can remember I’ve never been skinny, from a young age I was always chunky, yanno a fair size, but in my opinion not fat. Up through primary I struggled with feeling fat though, especially compared to the other girls, but tried to stay active which helped a lot. Then came secondary & the hell began.. again I was by no means the biggest in my year, but yet again not skinny enough so I’d often get the sly digs of ‘chub’ & comments about what I’d eat. With each year that passed I continued my struggle! Into the final years I was bullied, which made my anxiety almost unbearable some days, I’d eat what I wanted out of comfort. Once I finally got school behind me, then came the next hurdle – college! Many changes came with college, I started to find myself, believe in myself & my abilities. I began to see the ‘friends’ I had weren’t truly friends. Then second year of college came & my life started to crumble, events occurred beyond my control, changes in my life that I couldn’t understand or ever change back. My anxiety reached a new level & my self hate was growing by the hour.
Then something happened – my appendix started to rupture & I had to get them removed, so with that surgery & then the journey to recovering had to start. But with my anxiety & worry out of control I could barely function, sleep was either hours upon hours or nothing at all, I ended up barely eating. When I look back on it, it’s almost all a blur, most days I lived off 500 calories if I was lucky. I hated food, the thought of eating make me feel ill most of the time. I grew such an unhealthy relationship with food. (And to me that’s shocking, because I was in the middle of training to be a chef!) Rapidly the weight began dropping off me, within 6-9 months I had lost about 3 1/2 to 4 stone. I looked so different, so frail & for the only time in my life I felt ‘tiny’. I’ll admit I thought with all this weight loss I might actually start to be happy. Yanno that thought ‘if I’m skinner I’ll be happier‘ – well that was rubbish, again with each day my anxiety grew & my appetite lessoned. Everyone, of course began to comment on my weight loss, at the start (so maybe up until 2 stone lost) it was all ok, positive comments, the whole ‘you look great’ etc. But then as the next stones started to come off the nasty negativity followed •’you look ill’ •’you’ve lost to much now’ •’maybe it’s time to stop now, yanno maintain at healthy!’
If that wasn’t enough the friends I thought would be my support were the ones sending me over the edge. Comments would shred me & become all I’d think about. •’You’re actually pretty’ •’I’m so jealous, you’re skinnier then me, now people will actually look at you & not me’ •’Now he might actually like you’ •’I’d actually look at you now!’ – they seemed unending & quickly my mind was riddled, I felt like I wasn’t even in my body anymore. I felt the worst I ever had at the lights weight I’d ever been (teenage/adult weight!) – I still can’t comprehend this feeling, even writing this.
Then one day a true friend stop me, I had finally opened up about how I felt, what was being said. They listened & then held me by the hand & looked me in the eye & said ‘I see you, not your weight but you.’ I still think about this often & how grateful I am to have them in my life, I honestly believe from that conversation forward I started to make changes, slowly, very slowly but changes. Each day I tried harder cope with my anxiety, sleep properly, eat healthily.
Fast forward to now (the years in between about 2/3, mostly anxiety & stress riddled years!) & I’ve gained about 3 stone again. And I’ll be honest with you – I wanna loose a little weight, but I’m more content in my body now then I was when I was 4 stone lighter. I’ve grown a relationship with food again, I actually love food. And I know now I’ve time & the want/motivation to loose some weight in a healthy manner, while still enjoying my food.
So there’s a chatty post, a little more about myself! I know it’s a topic that many struggle with, so I encourage everyone to begin to embrace themself just the way they are. Loosing weight has to be attainable, enjoyable, maintainable & sustainable. So there my thoughts, now I’d love to hear your thoughts & opinions on this topic! So feel free to leave me a comment or link me on your posts. I love hearing from ye!
As always, Thanks for reading! Until next time!
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